SCREEN PLAY

A comedic short scene based on inside humor of TV shows: “XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS”, “BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER”, “STARGATE SG1”, “THE X-FILES”, and “CALIFORNICATION”.

The idea for this piece came to me after thinking about all the ‘bad’ cult classic TV shows, all the terrible science premises, and all the gimmicky ways the production companies increase their ratings. I’ve never written a screen-play in my life, but this is something I’d love to do as a hobby. This is my first ever screen play. The piece is intended to be something of an SNL skit, except SNL for nerds, and I doubt it exists. There are a lot of inside jokes based on the shows and the characters, and God knows there are probably 3 persons on Earth, me included, who can get all of it, but the general idea, hopefully, will be apparent to everyone in the end. In my head, this is funny. Whether it is funny as a written word, remains to be seen. Let me know what you think! 

[P.S. The Reader changes formatting. Go to my site to read with the correct formatting]

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CAST:

XENA, the warrior princess, an Amazon fighter.

BUFFY, the Vampire Slayer, teenage girl whose job is to destroy vampires.

SCULLY, DANA, FBI Agent, medical specialist, specialized in paranormal cases.

CARTER, SAMANTHA, Dr. of astro-physics, Captain, U.S. military, Stargate Command. Carter works in a top-secret unit that explores the universe that opens through the Stargate – an alien disc-shaped technology.

MOODY, HANK, writer with numerous substance addictions and dysfunctions.

WILLOW-GABRIELLE, a combined character, based on WILLOW from”BUFFY” and GABRIELLE from “XENA”. WILLOW and GABRIELLE look a lot alike: both have long red straight hair, and both are sidekicks to the main characters.

BARTENDER, a generic young man in a generic white shirt.

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FADE IN:

INT. BAR – EVENING

A typical American bar-pub with wooden counters and seating areas; rows of alcohol on the shelves. Two women are at the counter: XENA, an Amazon warrior (early 30s, long black hair) dressed in armor, with a sword and other ancient weaponry hanging on her belt, and DANA SCULLY, an FBI agent (early 30s,  mid-length red hairstyle), dressed in a black office pant suit.

XENA has an order of a drink in front of her. Furious, she smacks the BARTENDER’s head on the counter.

XENA

What is this horse shit!

SCULLY

Feel free to launch a complaint with the FBI. Counterfeit alcohol is under federal jurisdiction.

In the bar, two tables are occupied. BUFFY (barely old enough to be in a drinking establishment, long blond hair), a vampire slayer, wearing tight jeans and a revealing tight white tank top, sits close to the bar counter, and cleans her manicured fingernails with a giant dagger. Right next to her, Captain-Doctor SAMANTHA CARTER, (mid-30s, short blond haircut), wearing a military khaki uniform without insignia. CARTER is an officer of the top-secret alien research military facility, and an astro-physicist. With the laptop in front of her, CARTER is writing complex formulas on napkins. A host of crumpled napkins are all over her table.

BUFFY, looking bored, throws her legs at the table top with a loud ‘whack’ sound. She is wearing heavy biker’s boots.

CARTER responds XENA, who quizzically smells her drink in the shot glass and cringes.

CARTER

The drink is called ‘Singularity’. It’s named after a guy with one single brain cell, who invented it.

The close-up shot of CARTER’s writing on a napkin.

XENA sits on the tall bar chair and places her arm at the BARTENDER’s head as an armrest.

XENA

Where I come from, they behead for serving such horse shit.

SCULLY

Under the federal law, beheading is considered a cruel and inhumane punishment.

XENA

How do you kill the bastards then?

SCULLY

Either electric chair or a lethal injection.

XENA

Thanks for the tip. I love a good cultural exchange. All  these best practices… I know one thing. Where I come from, booze is much stouter, like a blood of an enemy slain on the battlefield.

BUFFY, quizzically looking at XENA, slowly reaches in her leather messenger bag for a wooden stake. To XENA:

BUFFY

Is that so? Cross your heart!

CARTER looks at BUFFY, folds her hands and smiles.

CARTER

You can’t possibly believe in these superstitions. They are called the ‘wive’s tales’ because women make up nonsense like that. Our generation can do better. The fact that our reproductive organs are inside does not mean we cannot handle whatever men can handle.

BUFFY

And how is that?

CARTER

That is: 1. get the facts straight, 2. get drunk and 3. get laid.

CARTER, continues sheepishly.

CARTER

Although I mastered only the ‘get the facts straight’ part.

SCULLY touches her small golden cross on the neck.

SCULLY

There is a difference between superstitions and faith. A lot I still do not understand in this world. Like, for example, who the hell are you people? What are you doing here?

BUFFY

You won’t believe if I told you.

SCULLY

I want to believe.

CARTER

The fact that my reproductive organs… Wait, I already said that.

XENA

I’m looking for Callisto. Heard about her? She is an evil god.

SCULLY

God is a woman? Not sure I can get behind that one.

CARTER

We killed many  female gods. Amanet, Hathor, Nirrti… Callisto is new. What kind of a System Lord is she?

DISSOLVE TO:

The door to the bar flies open. A young girl with long straight red hair walks in.

BUFFY

Hey, here comes WILLOW, we can ask her. She’s the smart one.

XENA, looking at BUFFY.

XENA

‘Willow‘ is what your brain is made of! This is my wife GABRIELLE.

SCULLY says matter-of-factly.

SCULLY

Gay marriage is a federal law.

BUFFY

I know WILLOW when I see one!

BUFFY comes up to the girl and grabs her by one hand, XENA by another, and they start pulling the girl, who is replaced by a big doll.

XENA

GABRIELLE is mine!

Finally, WILLOW-GABRIELLE is torn apart, like a piñata.

SCULLY, looks worried, reaches XENA’s forehead to check her temperature. XENA immediately pulls back.

SCULLY

Hmmm… Memory loss is the first symptom. Experiencing dryness in the mouth? Lost time? Unexplained pregnancy? Dandruff?

BUFFY, back at her table in the bar, mortified, grabs her hair with both palms, leans her head forward and scratches the scalp to see if any dandruff falls out.

BUFFY

Dandruff?  Don’t tell me you can see it from way over there!

DISSOLVE TO:

The entrance door flies open, and a handsome man in a suit and sunglasses walks in. He looks a lot like David Duchovny.

THE MAN IN THE SUIT

FBI. Ladies,  please remain seated. This bar is under my imminent domain.

SCULLY

Not funny, HANK. Impersonating a federal officer is a crime. By the way, where is your cousin Mulder? It looks like we have a case here.

MOODY

I have no idea where that nerd is, but I’m staying right here. Right baby?

MOODY, with a smile, cross between charming and predatory, places his hand on BUFFY’s shoulder. BUFFY, without hesitation, grabs the dagger from her table and sticks it dangerously close to MOODY’s groin.

BUFFY

‘Baby’ me again and you will pee through a catheter.

SCULLY

I need to write that one down.

MOODY grins, removing his hand off Buffy’s shoulder.

MOODY

BARTENDER, motherfucker, a shot of tequila!

XENA pets the head of the  BARTENDER laying on the bar counter face down.

XENA

He took some time off.

MOODY to XENA.

MOODY

Hey, you remind me someone I know. She has long black hair, never sexually satisfied and kicks the shit out of her men.

XENA

Busted.

CARTER puzzled, looking in the screen of her laptop.

CARTER

We have a problem. According to this  gravitational anomaly analysis, all of you are not real.

BUFFY turns to CARTER and whacks her in the face.

BUFFY

How about that? Is that real enough for you?

MOODY

Meowww cat fight.

CARTER, jumps of her chair and points Zed (a goa’uld alien laser) in BUFFY’s face. Buffy jumps as well and points her bow at CARTER.

CARTER

A bow? Really? What do they teach you in school? This thing works with the speed of light, that’s a little faster than your arrow.

BUFFY, with a defeated look, puts the bow down.

SCULLY

That’s it. I am calling Skinner. This place needs to be contained until we find out what is going on. But first, I need to check your blood for alien DNA.

SCULLY retrieves a kit for taking blood samples.

CARTER’s eyes start glowing red, and her voice drops low, sounding ‘alien’ (‘goa’uld).

CARTER

Oh, you don’t need to check me. I know I have an alien DNA.

MOODY slides his hands in pant pockets.

MOODY

Ladies, I think I know what happened. Let’s see. I am hangover, wearing yesterday’s clothes, and my pockets are full of empty wrappers.

SCULLY, mortified.

SCULLY

Condoms?

MOODY

No, LSD. Wait, I am onto something.

XENA

Dude, get your hands out of the pockets! Not everyone is interested in what you’ve got there.

MOODY

No, that’s not what I meant. I think I know what all of you are doing here. I was reading my daughter’s novel, her first draft. It was so bad that I started drinking, but when that didn’t help, I had to get high. Now I remember. All of you were in the novel.

CARTER

Actually, there is a theory in physics. It suggests that everything that could happen, happens in some universe. According to the Einstein’s Twin Paradox, …

SCULLY interrupts CARTER in a signature manner of Jack O’Niell, SG1 character, whenever  CARTER attempts to explain complicated scientific details.

SCULLY

A-a-a-a CARTER. Stop right there!

CARTER

I know, I know, you don’t want to hear the details.

SCULLY

Not that. I’m way ahead of you.

SCULLY retrieves a fat paper manuscript with giant letters on the cover: “UNDERGRADUATE THESIS. EINSTEIN’S TWIN PARADOX. NEW INTERPRETATION.”

SCULLY

I think our universes collided under an influence of HANK’s LSD-induced imagination. Don’t you understand? Thoughts are real!

ZOOM OUT:

AREAL VIEW. MOVIE SET, CAMERAMEN, ON-SET STAFF.

A SHORT BALD MAN, jumping from the chair in front the staged bar decorations with actors playing XENA, CARTER, MOODY, BUFFY, and SCULLY.

BALD MAN

Cut!

Fantastic! This pilot will have ratings through the roof! We can draw on all the target audiences involved. And what a strong science premise! So twisted, so complicated, that even ‘LOST’ would get lost! Get it? Lost? Lost? Anyway, five seasons, minimum, is guaranteed.

FADE OUT

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Copyright (2016) Ellie Maloney